Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
One moment. Well, I hate to be too clichÃ© but childbirth definitely rates up there as a moment that made me feel alive. It was a weird sense of being alive though. I was alive and laboring and bringing more life into the world, but there was a lack of analytical awareness. It just was. I felt it. I was there. Present. Every step of the way. A hazy sort of present though. It wasn’t a sharp, detailed presence. It was exactly what it needed to be. Textures elude me. Smells elude me. Voices were echoes until they weren’t. Noises were in the background, down a tunnel. Drums playing but so far away even though right there in the moment with me. Colors seemed dull which seems odd to me and I can’t make sense of that. Touch was essential. Contract….back massage…end contract. Breathe. Rest. Contract…walk….back massage….end contract… Time ceases to exist. The daylight fades and then it’s night. Still in the moment and the moment is all there is. Sun says hello again but I miss the greeting. Still working. More contracting. More. More.
This Reverb 10 moment has been brought to you by Leo Babauta.
|| Reverb 10: Reflect on this year & manifest what’s next
The thought of labor makes my heart beat fast. Faster. Faster. Makes me feel a little lightheaded. Makes me feel a little nauseous. Fear. Kicks in.
I haven’t written out my birth story yet. I know it though. It’s not that I’ve forgotten it. I’ve started writing it. There’s a draft in here somewhere from months ago. Started and then left to sit. And wait. For what? I’m not certain.
I do know this:
- I need to deal with the labor that I had (it was long, not at all what I had loosely imagined, AND I had a hemorrhage 8 hours post-partum if I remember correctly)
- Facing what feels like possible death (bleeding out) is super scary and it’s easy to replay it your head over and over again
- I’m over home birth. For me. Not for anyone else. I do still totally support home birth and things it’s the best choice for most births. Just not for me.
- Back labor is painful
- What a contraction feels like
- All labors are not the same
- I do want to do it again
- I’m terrified to do it again
- I’m jealous of the easy, breezy 6 hour labor people. Hell, I’m jealous of the 20 hour labor people!
- The prize at the end is totally worth it
Why is this even coming up? I have stumbled upon several blogs lately that discuss their labors, childbirth, etc. so it’s been on my mind a bit. That’s all I have for now.
Photo from weheartit.
Dave and I are going to work on a vinyl wall design for Marly and Erich’s baby-to-be so I’ve been looking for inspiration (also getting inspired for things for our own walls).
Indira Skye, born March 11 at 2:16 pm. 6 lbs, 15 oz. We’ve been busy hearting her since then. And she’s been busy giving us a run for our money.
Want more? Check ‘em out here.
Coming soon: BIRTH PLANS and other fictional stories…
Whew. What a day. It’s been a crazy day of ups and downs – very emotional one. Unfortunately, it looks like I will not be having a home birth. That was our big plan, our hope, etc. But I think Dave and I are both getting used to things not going as planned. Am I happy about this? No, but I have to just believe it’s for the best and there’s a reason for everything, including this. I’ll leave it at that for now because it’s been a long and draining day. Tomorrow are tests and then we’ll know more. But without further ado; some full term photos (man, I really wish I were more photogenic!) So, I look tired, have a really stupid constipated grin on my face and it looks like there’s a dead kitten on the ground next to me. Aren’t there photogenic classes that I can take?!:
So, the other day I mentioned already starting to miss being pregnant and this special relationship the baby and I have right now. But I’ve also been thinking about the things I’m looking forward to (besides the obvious, which is this new awesome baby for Dave and I!):
- vodka (yeah, not like pre-P, a little more in moderation…) in the form of very dirty martinis
- being able to lie on my stomach
- peeing less
- red wine
- sunny eggs (mmmm)
- no full time work for two months
- yoga (power yoga, heavy breathing, difficult poses, not the easy breezy prenatal yoga – the trick will be in finding time/energy I presume)
- non-tight boots
- my rings fitting comfortably
- my socks fitting comfortably
- naps (?) This one is interesting. I know, I know, nap when the baby naps. The problem? I hate naps! Just about as much as I hate baths. I’m grumpy after I do either (groggy or pruney)
- Possibility of a move
And a few things that I’m a bit apprehensive about:
- lack of sleep
- naps (they really do make me grumpy!)
- lack of alone time
- possibility that I stretched out too many “normal life” clothes
- money, but that just seems to be a normal life thing
- brain function returning to what it was before
- creativity functioning like it did before
- time for romance
- missing my pregnancy calmness
That’s all for now….